What if Your Girlfriend Was Gone Parodies What If Carla Ulbrich Was Gone, Adam Selzer What If Your Date Was King Kong? by Steven Cavanagh What If Your Carla Ulbrich Was Gone (Parody by Adam Selzer) I was just wondering theoretically Who would you book hypothetically If something should happen accidentally or medically What if Carla Ulbrich was gone? If she should be locked in a very small cage Or killed by some girlfriend in a paranoid rage Would I find my way up onto that stage? What if Carla Ulbrich was gone? Would you call me up cause you know I'd be glad To take over the booking that she would've had I'm funny and I'm young and I don't look half bad What if Carla Ulbrich was gone? If she went out drinking and was totally smashed Or by some coincidence her tires were slashed And chances of making it out here were dashed Well, something would have to be done I'm picturing her getting something contagious And unable to get here, and I tell you I may just Happen to mention that the poor empty stage is just Waiting to be filled by somone chorus And what of the old timers who just might say "Is this what the kids're callin' filk nowadays? When's she gonna sing about spaceships, anyway? It weren't like this when I were lad!" And what if the whole crowd is seventy-four Who just want to hear Argo, and not a bit more If a whole bunch of old people stampede the floor Well, that would really be bad! chorus If she changed her image to chains and leather Doing horrible things to some poor Irish setter You were always upset, but now you're upsetter... And how's that for grammar? What if Carla Ulbrich was gone? www.adamselzer.com What If Your Date Was King Kong? (Parody by Steven Cavanagh) I was just wondering, scientifically How would it work? Realistically There's something that really doesn't quite fit to me: What if your date was King Kong? If you answered the door for your first blind date to see flowers and a smile and a 50 foot ape with hands that could squash you flat like a grape Would the two of you get along? Chorus: Would you wave your arms and run screaming in terror? Call the dating service, and say there's an error? Say "He's really not such a bad lookin' feller"? What if your date was King Kong? Would he squeeze you in for a night at the opera? take you wining and dining, and treat you real proper? Leave you stuck on a roof while he swats at a copter? Does he even know how to dance? If he raved on constantly about his divorce Had the 6:10 express for his entrŽe course, Whispered sweet nothings to you at gale force Would you say he still beats a man? Chorus You know that I'm jealous that I can't compete and you don't like guys that are only five feet If I can't make you happy and I'm responsible then just maybe this enormous monster will, but how could it happen, scientifically How would it work? Realistically There's something that really doesn't quite fit to me What if your date was King Kong? Chorus Would you get him checked out by your local vet, or yell and scream if he stepped on your Irish Setter Hope he's grown up, and not a bed wetter Or realise that I might be better? Chorus